Chuckle #445 | March 23rd, 2011
Trying on Bathtubs
No dressing room. No soft lighting. No cool music. No privacy. Who could possibly enjoy trying on bathtubs in a public showroom? Exhibitionists and voyeurs, that’s who. Me? Not so much.
But when you’re desperately seeking the perfect five foot long double ended pedestal tub, you quickly learn to faux bathe with panache. Lately I’ve been leaping into tubs whenever the opportunity arises. And I’m not at all shy about asking mere acquaintances if I can lie down in their tubs. Clothed of course, I’m not entirely sans couth.
You just never know where you’ll be when you find “the one”. So beg boldly because owning the perfect tub is worth every second of red faced shame and embarrassment. The tub is no design afterthought for a serious bather. The right tub can make a bad day good and a good day better, like chocolate.
The biggest problem with trying on bathtubs is that empty tubs aren’t all that comfortable. My imagination is as good as the next person’s, but without the anti-gravitational effects of H2O, pretty much every tub feels like a slab of granite. (Even with a well-padded backside.) A little showroom ambiance wouldn’t hurt either.
Would it kill the salesperson to light a few candles or burn some incense?
And FYI, “faux bathing” has rules, which I’ve conveniently listed below because public awareness of these rules seems to range from limited to nil.
1) Wait your turn.
2) Remove your shoes.
3) Don’t overstay.
4) No double dipping. Singles only.
5) Do not stare at other “bathers”. Public bathing is already awkward enough.
6) Remain fully clothed. Must I define fully?
The general rule of tub shopping is that if you fall asleep in the tub it’s “the one”. Just buy it already and put your husband out of his misery. Guys only enjoy shopping for TVs, stereos, steak, and cars. Guys do NOT like shopping for bathtubs.
And speaking of significant others, heed this warning. Double tubs are like double kayaks, they can be tough on a marriage. You and your husband may think you want a monstrous two person tub now, but later in your marriage, a quiet private soak is what will keep your relationship humming along.
Bath time is for escaping from your family. Why on earth would you bring them with you? If you really want to bathe with your husband, get a hot tub.
Besides, two people publicly “trying on a tub” is just plain kinky. Others would stare. I have stared. How could I help myself? It’s not every day you get to see another couple “pretending” to take a bath together.
So now I’m a creepy voyeur. And all I really wanted was a decent bath.
