Chuckle #420 | September 8th, 2010
Eight is More Than Enough…
I am flattered that my in-laws find my family so simpatico that they are thinking of moving up to CT. But staying with us for eight days while they house hunt is probably not the best way to get us excited about a permanent relocation.
Don’t get me wrong. We adore having family members and friends visit, but eight days is more than enough. Even the dog is starting to wonder when he’ll get his spot on the couch back.
Did I happen to mention the number “eight” yet?
I told the kids to have patience. That it is “better to light a candle than curse the darkness.” Cryptic advice for a 12 year old, but after three glasses of wine what can you expect? I think they understood.
Ahhh...the extended-stay house guest. Quite honestly, I don’t even need to write this column. It writes itself. There is a reason why there are already dozens of sayings explaining precisely why house guests should keep their visits short.
These sayings are so indisputably UNIVERSAL that I feel compelled to ask my husband the delicate intergalactic question, “exactly which universe are your parents from?”
Some of these sayings originate from the time Homo Erectus built his first stick shelter and then couldn’t get rid of his annoying inbred cousin. (Back then if people stayed too long you could simply club them to death.) Now it's not so simple. Other one-liners came to me just this week during some long escapist hours spent soaking in the bathtub. I obviously do my best thinking in the tub.
So forget the column. The list of proverbs below is for everyone out there who has ever had guests who stayed just a wee bit too long. Starting with the classic…
- Even fresh fish and favorite guests start to smell after three days.
- A constant guest is never welcome.
- House guests should be perishable.
- Until his parents leave the house, hubby gets no love from spouse.
- His balls are in their court.
- Prolonged exposure to anything is hazardous to your health.
- While you can’t hold your finger over the candle flame, you can pass through it many times.
- He Kiore Kai Whata (Maori saying in the Tainui dialect)
I have a second list of helpful clichés for people who somehow got through life without learning that the perfect visit ends after three days. Take these to heart.
- Keep it short and sweet.
- Leave them wanting more
- Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
- The garbage doesn’t take itself out.
- Can one desire too much of a good thing? (Rosalind to Orlando, As You Like It)
If you think about it, even adorable little Goldilocks managed to annoy everyone in the bear family, and she only stayed ONE night.
And quite honestly, visiting us is not that great. We run around like crazy people, rarely sit still for more than 20 minutes at a time, the food is marginal, and the house is always a wreck.
On the other hand, one of the truly great things about family is that they don’t care about all that. They love you, tolerate you, and want to be with you no matter what. I understand. We love them too.
But if I’m being perfectly “Candide”, wouldn’t it be the best of all possible worlds if that mutual “love” could be expressed in more frequent visits of a slightly shorter duration?
