Chuckle #415 | July 28th, 2010
I Confess! I am a Harbinger of Death & the Nemesis of Nature
I’ve just returned from an awesome “girl’s weekend” at our NH cabin. My daughters and I had a great time communing with nature, reading, and just hanging out. It was one of those truly memorable weekends…until things took a murderous turn…
Somehow I became a harbinger of death, responsible for the untimely demise of no fewer than three living creatures in a single weekend (albeit a long weekend.) Without meaning to, I managed to rain destruction upon our peaceful place of Zen.
Let me just say that I am not an evil person, though a certain amphibian might beg to differ.
I have enough lawyer friends to know that I have the right to remain silent, but I prefer to explain. What I need to do is shed the guilt that has ruined the fond memories I have of my mother-daughter weekend. By confessing to the deeds I hope to free myself from the sound of those three tell-tale hearts. Surely it’s what Poe would have me do.
First, I’d like to ask the frog, fish and snake communities of NH to take this as an official and heartfelt apology. Unlike Montresor, I feel deep remorse. (And if necessary, this column can serve as evidence for the defense, should PETA decide to file charges.)
Before madness renders me entirely insensible, I will now admit to three counts of unintentional creature-slaughter.
The Fish: The mother fish slowly circled her nest, protecting her eggs from harm. She was hungry and tired. So when the worm dangled so tantalizingly near, she took the “bait.” Unfortunately she took it deep. I couldn’t get the hook out. I should have cut the line and let her go, but I attempted to remove the hook from deep within her guts. Let’s just say that revival efforts failed. Once the mother fish was gone, the bass feasted upon her eggs. An entire family was wiped-out by a single cast of my line. I’ll never, ever, fish for “fun” again.
The Snake: For many years now the dog and the snake have played among the rocks on our point; the dog chasing; the snake slithering away. Now that I think of it, maybe this wasn’t so much fun for the snake. Maybe I should have put a stop to the game before it was too late. On Sunday the dog barked but the snake did not slither. A gentle poke with a stick revealed that the snake would probably never slither again. Despite a clear lack of evidence, I’m guessing the dog had something to do with it. Since the dog is mine, I accept full responsibility.
The Frog: The frog was clearly suicidal. Or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. As I was mowing our tiny patch of grass with our eco friendly push mower, a frog suddenly leaped from the bushes directly into the 12 hypnotically spinning blades. I thought at first that only one limb was severed but when I flipped it over (with my bare finger) I could see from the blood that the damage was much worse. I knew that I had to put the twitching frog out of its misery. It was the merciful thing to do. Sparing you the gory details, let’s just say that I am now scarred for life.
And while I’m in the nature confessional, I might as well come clean about the dozens of mosquitoes and horseflies that I intentionally and maliciously did away with without a flicker of conscience. They deserved it. I also attempted to drown six spiders that did NOT deserve it, but were freaking me out. So much for communing with nature.
Now that all of this is off my chest, I’m hoping the nightmares will end along with the imagined midnight frog calls. They say that bad things happen in threes. I sincerely hope that “they” are right.
