Chuckle #395 | February 24th 2010
CURLING is the Sport for Olympic Sissies like Me
I like the Olympics. Talk about great reality TV for the whole family. If it weren't for the bloodcurdling horror of the accidents and injuries, I would really enjoy watching. As it is I gasp and flinch every two minutes, cover my head with a blanket and bite my nails every time some poor kid crashes on the Super G or breaks their tailbone on the ice rink. The Olympics, I have decided, are stressful. Even for us couch potatoes.
Then there is CURLING. A fascinating sport (?) invented by a bored Scot circa 1510. Curling is dominated by people with British-y accents, Viking ancestry, and/or by countries with perpetually frozen lakes, low population density and high rates of alcoholism.
I used to think that Curling was simply Shuffleboard on ice. That is, until I stayed up past midnight last Saturday to watch the heavily promoted blood match between Canada and Great Britain. On the surface it looked cordial enough, you know the Brits, always in control. But beneath the apparent camaraderie, I got a vague sense of rivalry (even disaffection) between the two teams. Their centuries old enmity was born out in raised eyebrows and cold inimical stares. What can I say? The Curl-Off was clearly over-hyped. NBC can't help that Curlers are by virtue of good breeding, genteel.
For those of you not familiar with Curling, it is a bit like bocce, horseshoes, croquet, and yes, shuffleboard (except slower.) Each team "shoots" their 44lb "stones" (big polished rocks with handles) across the "sheet" of ice (at .5 mph), attempting to land closest to the target, while knocking the opposing team's stones out of the "house".
You really have to see it to understand it, and even then, I recommend reading the 40 page Wikipedia explanation first, because Curling announcers never explain ANYTHING. (Note that even the Curling announcers make fun of Curling, which I find to be appallingly unsportsmanlike Wayne Gretzky.)
Sounds boring? Don't be fooled. Players are constantly at risk for serious groin injury and hernias. Those granite "stones" weigh a ton. I'm also pretty sure Curling is a drinking sport. I'd be willing to bet pre-bailout dollars that those guys hit the pub after every match. So if the sport itself doesn't get them, the liver damage eventually will. Exciting stuff.
Once you become an aficionado, you will quickly realize that Curling is a demanding sport requiring NASA-like precision and superior hand-eye coordination. A physics degree and some basic geometry can't hurt. However, unlike many other Olympic sports, cardiovascular fitness is unnecessary, hence the prevalence of "paunch". The best Curlers (e.g. Canadians) are rumored to cross train with low impact activities like yoga, light housekeeping, and "pint pressing".
But things CAN get ugly. There was actual blood on the ice during one recent Olympic Curling match. Judging from the reaction of the Curling announcers, this was the MOST exciting thing ever witnessed during a Curling event. Until they realized it was a simple nosebleed.
Despite its excruciating lack of speed, the sport is growing on me. Unlike downhill skiing where I get VERY tense as bodies fly into barricades and kid's dreams are shattered along with their femurs, CURLING does not maim and destroy. It's much more relaxing to watch than ANY other Olympic sport. (Ok, except maybe ICE DANCING.)
Yes, I am an Olympic SISSY. And I am not ashamed to admit it. I don't know how the parents of Olympians can watch their kids compete in the winter games. I'm unrelated and can barely stand it. The worst is when NBC has the "foresight" to do a 10 minute background video on the kid who ultimately ends up in a full body cast. I'd rather not know that his dying grandfather's final wish was to see him compete at the Olympics. It hurts too much.
So Curling is "my" sport. As a bonus, the fans are rabidly entertaining. Because they drink a lot there's often as much (if not more) action in the stands. The main appeal of Curling might be that the fans can easily picture themselves as the bald, middle-aged shooter, or the slightly paunchy sweeper. It's a lot harder to imagine yourself blasting down the Giant Slalom.
