Chuckle #388 | December 23, 2009
What Would Baby Jesus Do?
Sin & Salvation at the Ornament Exchange
Shake off those warm feelings of holiday friendship and start sharpening your fingernails - its time for the annual holiday ornament exchange! So you thought you and Suzy were friends? Wait till you both covet the same hokey glass ornament. If you want to find out what friendship REALLY means, just watch what happens when 40 women get together, ostensibly to have some fun and relieve holiday induced stress. Its “World Wrestling Federation” meets “Santa’s Workshop,” strung out on Midori cosmos.
That vixen Suzy would steal your prized hand painted glass ball, and leave you crying over the hideous Odd Job “sparkly star” in a heartbeat. In return, you wouldn’t think twice about crushing her holiday hopes like a bug. (FYI, no men allowed at this Christmas catfight unless they are stoking the fire or serving drinks.) But if the ornament exchange is so vicious, why oh why is it our favorite holiday event of the ENTIRE YEAR?
Honestly? It’s because cookie exchanges are so dull. Everybody gets a dozen cookies, period, end of party. Where’s the fun in that? There’s none of the stealing, hoarding, and back stabbing that goes on at a proper ornament exchange, if you do it right that is. Civilized “exchanges” have earned their stolid little place in the world of womanly holiday events, but they lack the EXCITEMENT of hand to hand combat. I prefer exchanges where there’s a strong chance that two lifelong friends will end up wrestling on the rug in front of the fire, pulling each others hair and yelling, “its MINE you selfish hussy!” Now THAT’S a holiday party!
Hosting an ornament exchange? To ensure an exciting evening of “stress relief” (and to guarantee a sacred place on everyone’s busy holiday calendar each year), host your ornament exchange in the evening, when festive (read alcoholic) beverages can be served. (Wholesome cookie exchanges are almost always held during the day - ergo no alcohol and very few, if any, catfights.) Although it’s certainly nice to bring home that platter of assorted cookies, it’s MUCH better to bring home the most coveted Christmas ornament, for which you had to lie, cheat and steal. (And occasionally bite, but what happened in ’06, stays in ’06.) We’ve all matured a lot since then. And the new “no blood” ruling by the executive ornament party committee has helped a lot.
Unfortunately, a woman’s true nature is hard to hide after three glasses of perfectly chilled Prosecco. Some are simply possessive, some are outright Jezebels; some come seeking revenge for the insults and injuries suffered in previous years. Given the holiday season, I think it would behoove some of these ladies, before they get carried away by greed and desire, to ask each other not what Genghis Khan would do, but rather, “What would baby Jesus do”?
But that kind of thinking assumes that we all seek the “best of all possible worlds” and I never really put much stock in Leibniz. If we’re talking “nature of man” and theology, I’m more of a Voltairian. Therefore, if you come to an ornament exchange party unprepared, you may as well not come at all. Because if you hope to come home with a decent ornament, you need to spend some time strategizing beforehand. It helps if you’ve been a car salesman at some point in your life, because it all comes down to how EVIL you are willing to be. Having grudges and scores to settle always helps to get your MOJO on, so try to recall EVERY slight, no matter how minor. Make a “naughty vs. nice” list if it helps you harden your heart, that’s how Santa does it.
For best results, call a few other women before the party and establish an ornament cabal. That makes it easier to isolate and neutralize the “loners” who neglect to plan ahead (due to previous commitments such as child rearing or delivering meals to the poor.) Be sure to take advantage of women “new” to the ornament exchange party (aka O.E.P. virgins) before they wise-up to the shenanigans. Alternatively you could take the newbie under your wing and teach her the ropes, but what would that get you? It would get you the ugly ODD JOB ornament! So stop thinking “nice.” This party is about letting off some steam with your friends before the in-laws arrive and all holiday hell breaks loose.
Personally, I tend to keep my cool at the ornament exchange. My only goal is to avoid seeing the ornament I brought sitting on the infamous “reject table” at the end of the night. In this I have failed for five consecutive years and 2009 was no different. A friend finally took pity on me (I guess my “tears” had the desired effect), and she traded her “nice” ornament for my “rejected” one. So she went home with a heavy (yet sonorous) Santa shaped ceramic bell of Norwegian origin. Santa was mysteriously clasping an owl, which must be a Norwegian thing; probably one of those folktales with which we Americans, well-known for not giving a hoot about Norwegian customs, are unfamiliar. Whatever. Better her than me. I may feel a tiny TWINGE of guilt for playing on her emotions, but at least she went home feeling good about herself, which is more than I can say for SOME of the ladies in attendance! Can you say “confession”?
Most years I end up taking my own ornament home simply because no one else wants to. Its not that my ornaments are UGLY, (ok, sometimes they are), they’re just at the wrong party. I consistently fail to grasp what it is that fashion conscious Greenwich CT moms are looking for in an ornament. Perhaps coming from New Hampshire, my ornaments and I just don’t fit in here. Perhaps I am too cheap to buy the hand painted Waterford glass ball that my fellow moms are willing to take home. Perhaps it could be that my heart is “two sizes too small”. I’d like to think that I actually have taste, but lack sufficient wherewithal (e.g. cash) to fully realize my ornament exchange potential. Or maybe I’m just having too much fun, reject table and all, to really care. After all, it’s not what you bring to the party; it’s what you bring HOME. And this year I brought home a lovely set of six silver photo frame ornaments, along with a bit of guilt.
So Happy Holidays to all and to all a Good Night, especially to my kindhearted ornament party “Saviour”! I hope “Norwegian Santa” is hanging in a very special place on your tree. Baby Jesus would definitely be proud.
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